Romantic Relationships for Young Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism
For what it’s worth: This is the famous “autism expert” who failed to diagnose his own son, who is Asperger.
Excerpt: Attractive qualities…
Men with Asperger’s syndrome have many qualities that can be attractive to a prospective partner. 6 When conducting relationship counselling with one or both partners having the characteristics or diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, I often ask the typical partner, ‘What were the qualities that made your partner attractive when you first met him/her?’ Many women describe their first impressions of their partner with Asperger’s syndrome as being someone who is kind, attentive, and socially or emotionally immature. The term “silent, handsome stranger” can be used to describe someone who seems relatively quiet and good looking. Physical characteristics and attentiveness can be important, especially if the woman has doubts regarding her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. The man’s lack of social and conversational skills can lead to his being perceived as the “silent stranger” whose social naivety and immaturity can be transformed by a partner who is a natural expert on empathy, socializing, and conversation. (Beware the insecure woman who seeks to change you; the mothering may turn into smothering and then, rage.)
I have noted that many of the partners of men, and sometimes of women, with Asperger’s syndrome have been at the other end of the social and empathy continuum. They are intuitive experts in Theory of Mind, namely understanding and empathizing with someone else’s perspective. (Why do I doubt this? If he / she is so empathetic, why can’t this “magic person” understand the Asperger “interior experience”?) They are naturally gifted in the ability to understand the world as experienced by the person with Asperger’s syndrome, much more so than a person of average Theory of Mind abilities. (This is ridiculous…)
Wow! Disaster! From my experience, this “magical empath” may honestly “believe” that he or she understands the Asperger way of being, and can change them into a “suitable for social life” partner (or possession). This widespread NT delusion dooms so many interactions between AS and NT. When the “Magical Empath” inevitably discovers that he / she CANNOT CHANGE THE ASPERGER, rage and outlandish attacks will follow.
They (magic empath) are understanding and sympathetic, (the last thing I want is sympathy) and they provide guidance for their partner in social situations. Indeed, these are the characteristics that an adult with Asperger’s syndrome recognizes that he or she needs and would find desirable in a partner. (My opinion? This is absolutely not what I find attractive. Who needs or wants a “zoo keeper”? How insulting! A spouse who serves as a “guide dog”!) He or she will actively seek a partner with intuitive social knowledge who can be a social interpreter, is naturally nurturing, is socially able, and is maternal. (OMG! We’re perpetual children who need “nannies” – ) However, while a socially insightful and empathic partner may understand the perspective of the person with Asperger’s syndrome, the person with Asperger’s syndrome has considerable difficulty understanding the perspective of his or her typical partner. (It’s our problem; after all, we’re defective)
This is BS. The deeper my understanding of the Asperger way of being has become, the clearer the “rift” between NT and AS perception of reality, and therefore experience, is revealed. The inability of the NT to comprehend the degree of “differentness” that actually exists between neotenic social humans and AS individuals, all but precludes understanding of “who we are”. In terms of sensory experience, sensory processing and perception and what we “do with” our brains, my assessment is that Asperger types are, in the practical sense, a different species.
As long as NTs regard us as “broken” versions of themselves, there can be little rapprochement.
The attractiveness of a person with Asperger’s syndrome in a prospective relationship can be enhanced by intellectual ability, career prospects, and degree of attentiveness during courtship. (The Labrador retriever appeal) Sometimes, however, this attentiveness could be perceived by others as almost obsessive, and the words and actions appear to have been learned from watching Hollywood romantic movies. The person can be admired for speaking his mind, even if the comments may be perceived as offensive by others, due to his strong sense of social justice and clear moral beliefs. The fact that he may not be “macho” or wish to spend time with other men at sporting events or drinking alcohol also can be appealing for some women. The person with Asperger’s syndrome can be a late developer in terms of relationship experiences, which also can be an attractive feature. There may be no previous relationship “baggage.” I also have had many women describe to me how their partner with Asperger’s syndrome resembled their father. (My father was Asperger, and although, or likely because, we were great friends, and I knew him well, I would NEVER choose a partner like him) Having a parent with the signs of Asperger’s syndrome may have contributed to their choice of partner as an adult.
Oh please, do tell us! LOL
What are the characteristics that men find attractive in a woman with Asperger’s syndrome? The attributes can be similar to the characteristics women find appealing in a man with Asperger’s syndrome, especially the degree of attentiveness. (Our “male brains” of course – we’re both inadequate copies of males, and perverse females.) The woman’s social immaturity may be appealing to those men who have natural paternal and compassionate qualities. (The zoo keeper, guide dog, nanny again) There can be an appreciation of her physical attractiveness and admiration for her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger’s syndrome are not very good at making character judgments or identifying relationship predators. Women with Asperger’s syndrome often have low self-esteem, which can affect their choice of partner in a relationship. They can be the victim of various forms of abuse. As one woman with Asperger’s explained to me, ‘I set my expectations very low and as a result gravitated toward abusive people.’
So, this is what is “attractive” about AS women: Male predators find us to be “easy targets” because we’re desperate idiots. Thanks a lot!
For more insulting nonsense: https://iancommunity.org/cs/articles/relationships