Since it’s Memorial Day, I thought I’d check out Asperger’s and Military participation: confusing, boring, highly subjective… but I came across a discussion about sending an Asperger to military school because he doesn’t turn in his homework…. edited to protect identity.
Here we go!
My wife just brought up the idea of sending our 12 year old son who has Asperger’s to a military academy.
His grades could be better; his reading and comprehension scores are at college level but we have a strange situation. 50% of his English assignments have not been turned in so far this year. My wife and I check to make sure he’s done the homework, but he does not turn it in. We have told him that routine is going to be a fact of life, so get used to it. We’ve told him to always put his homework in the same place in his backpack. That way he will always know where it is, and can turn it in.
Okay! As an Asperger, I see “problems” brewing from the get go: This kid is 12. He’s smart. He resents being treated like a ROBOT; telling him that he will live have to live out his life as a ROBOT is a disaster! His NT parents / therapist think he’s “dumb” – that is, he can’t remember to hand in homework. Really? Who is being dumb in this scenario?
For some reason, everything we try, or his therapist and social skills teacher try, dies a flaming death within a week. His classwork is not the problem. He read his American history textbook in two days and he has not needed to read it since then. His test scores are excellent but his class participation grade is below average (as expected) but the problem is homework. He either does not do it or he does it, but doesn’t turn it in – which is 1/3 off his grade! If he were still in elementary school, I would probably be turning in his assignments for him, but a 12 year old in the 6th grade needs to step up and be responsible.
Wow! Describe how intelligent the boy is, but then, instead of being happy about that, focus on “obedience to routine.” Push, shove, manipulate; create a power struggle over a “trivial behavior”. Let him know that conformity to routine rules is what you value, not his abilities. This is exactly what not to do with an intelligent child…especially an Asperger type. Insistence on blind social obedience will simply drive him resist, and he will ponder why it is you are so unappreciative toward him.
His therapist recently sat down with my son and laid out a strict schedule for completing homework and chores, as well as making time for personal hygiene and play. It looked like a military schedule and so my wife asked, via email, what the therapist thought of a military school about an hour’s drive from home.
The therapist said there would be benefits and there would be challenges. The shock of changing his living situation would be a major detractor. But the rigid schedule and not having a thousand distractions within arm’s reach could really help him focus. You also have to think of the “bully” mentality that seems to thrive in these places, and my son is a target of bullying at school.
How stupid! It’s unbelievable: This is typical of people who think that shoving their child’s nose into a plate of food that he or she fervently dislikes, will “prove” that “the parent is the boss!” Is anyone concerned about him being bullied (not only by kids, but his parents and therapist / teacher!) Could it be that “the homework thing” is his way of reacting to the lack of attention by adults to the “real” problems – including their uncaring behavior?
There are a number of other pros and cons to this discussion. No girls at the school could go either way. A lack of human contact would probably be good with him but bad for his social skills in the long run. The money that we would have to pay is a major concern for us; we could not afford for him to fail.
But my very simple question to the chat room is this: in your opinion, how would someone with Asperger’s fare in a military academy?
Aye, yai, yai! Why do NTs have children?
The following is the father’s response to various suggestions by “chat” participants… his initial “concern” is that some respondents are calling him a bad parent, even though that’s not the case.
Please don’t think we haven’t tried. We have…. over and over with anything we can think of. And it’s not actually not the homework thing, (then why 4 paragraphs that claim that it is?) but the lying and half truths that upset and disappoint me. Until 2 years ago, he did not know how to lie. Now, the lies are almost automatic. And there are the endless excuses. He sometimes tries to blame me or my wife, as if our constant reminders somehow made him not do his homework. (What happened two years ago?)
One day last week, I went into his room to ask if he’d done his homework, and he said yes. I asked him to show it to me. (I get daily emails from his teachers with all assignments and he knows this; however, I don’t always check his work. I always figured that his knowing that I know would be enough to keep him in line.) He actually spent a half hour emptying his book bag. pretending to looking for homework that he hadn’t done. It was pathological! I finally said, I can’t prove you didn’t do your homework, but you still have to turn it in tomorrow… So get working! He had a total Asperger’s meltdown. He thought it was going to be game night, and I ruined it by making him do his homework. 20 minutes later, he was yelling that it wasn’t fair. I finally told him that he was right… it wasn’t fair that the whole house had to listen to him yell for 20 minutes and it wasn’t fair that I had to sit outside his door reading a book instead of enjoying time with my family. (Apparently, this boy isn’t family; probably long ago he became labeled as the outsider-disobedient-problem child. Now the father is his “prison guard”) He told me I was making fun of him…. I told him he was a spoiled brat and behaving like an asshole.
Well! Pretty revealing…if your “tactics” fail over and over again, model “being an asshole” for your child: it’s effective “social training.”
This is not an isolated incident. He knows I’m going to check on him at least one night per week, but that is not enough motivation for him. I hate having to sit up until midnight to make sure he finishes. His therapist says that making my son stay up until midnight is a predictable consequence; that he will learn from having consequences. My question is, why am I having to also suffer his consequences? (Because you are his parent. He doesn’t exist in isolation; this is a two-way street, and as the ADULT, you must take responsibility for creating the situation.)
OMG! Such an irrational mess!
We don’t want to send him to military school, but where else to will he get the structure and discipline to live up to his full abilities? He is not an only child. We try to give him as much one on one time as possible (as remote and narcissistic antagonists), but right now we have him and his brother, age 2, plus 3 foster children, ages 5, 8, and 13, and the 13 year old is pregnant, so we have doctor visits to do. (A concerned citizen might ask, “Are these people qualified to be foster parents?” And, “How much are they being paid per foster child, per month?” That is, is there a profitable exchange for “taking in foster children” vs. “kicking out” your own child?
Could this picture be any more clear?
No one made these people stretch their family size from TWO to FIVE children. The oldest “birth child” is 12 and an Asperger. He’s been abandoned in favor of 3 “strangers”. He’s expected to “shut up and obey” and to not expect any parental kindness or affection.
Let’s see “who” is not taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions. It’s not the 12 year old.
I am more than willing to give my son the time he needs, but I cannot give him time I don’t have. As it is, I only get about 2 hours of “me” time at night, but that’s because I don’t go to bed until 1 or 2 a.m. I make breakfast at 5:30 a,m. My wife says I’m burning the candle at both ends; I think that’s why she mentioned military school as a solution to our issue with the 12 year old.
Again, it’s not really the homework thing, it’s the lying and deceit. He loves to correct my incorrect English, and he hates it when I catch his mistakes and quote his words back to him verbatim. It’s a skill he taught me. I have even recorded conversations on my phone when he’s upset, then replay them for him later so he can hear where he went wrong. He misses social cues, so I’m trying to help him by doing that. He gets mad and says I’m making fun of him… if I wanted to do that, I’d play the recording back for the whole family to hear.
He had a meltdown at a store a few months ago… had a kicking and screaming tantrum in public. I pulled out my phone and turned on the camera and got a 4 minute video which showed him taking off his shoes and throwing them at me. The store manager had called the police because he thought I’d hit my son. Luckily I replayed the video that showed it was the boy’s fault, or who knows what would have happened. One of the officers took him aside and warned him that he could be arrested for assault since he threw his shoes at me. They asked me if I wanted to press charges, and sorry, but I had to think about it. In the end, we just left without any groceries and he got a “timeout” when we got home. I wanted to take away his shoes for a day since he threw them at me, but the school would not allow him to attend barefoot. (Now there is a “logical” response. Gee whiz! NTs are so f&^%*d up.) The punishment for us was that we had to eat mac & cheese for dinner. He likes mac & cheese, so it was okay for him. (This was before we took in 3 foster children, so he didn’t have that as an excuse) Sorry for going on so long. I just want everyone on chat to know that sending him away to military school would be a last ditch effort.
Of course; if you are a social typical parent, bullying, abandonment, total lack of empathy and idiotic punishments are the complete “repertoire” for “dealing with” children you don’t like or want.
What Will You Get “Paid” Monthly per child for Foster Parenting?
- Alabama: $490
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- Indiana: Each county sets an individual scale; there is no statewide rate. Foster parents can negotiate with their county director.
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